I have five fursonas, animals, parts of my psyche, whatever. The animal I thought was the oldest part… well I realized this morning while reading “Women Who Run with the Wolves” (Estes) that the part I thought was the oldest part probably isn’t, and the oldest… well…
The five parts are…
Thumper. A very loving, shy, submissive, bisexual rabbit boy who loves the 80s, and playing with (dyeing) his fur. I used to think Thumper was the oldest part of me… until this morning.
Rexxy. The manager. She emerged more than a decade ago at a subconscious level to try to hold things together. That was her emergent purpose but she also took it too far. She banished Thumper for many years. She has eaten Nugget at least once. She protects the system, but she can be controlling. She is a beautiful male and female coastal sea wolf who loves all things purple.
Kandi Paws. The uninhibited feminine. The dancer. Supremely selfish. How I know in my heart I am non-binary. An aloof female snow leopard of grace and raw sensuality.
Nugget. A very male bisexual punk magpie from Birmingham England. Anarchist. Distrusts authority and is willing to tell them that to their face. Has a band. Mostly black feathers but with blue liberty spikes on his head. Fucks Rexxy and Thumper. The most id-like of all my animals.
Seraph. A synth. Genderless really. Asexual. Lizard like machine. My technology core. My hard worker. Massively strong – at least until their battery drains at which point they collapse and need to recharge. (Plot twist… when Seraph collapses, they take all the animals down with them.) Seraph understands tech at a deep level since they are tech.
And this is where I had my light bulb moment this morning…
Seraph… Seraph… the part of me that grinds and grinds and grinds and learns and works and learns and works… until the battery cuts out suddenly… Seraph who hungers for that dopamine rush for learning something new, but also who hungers for that A, that attaboy, that award, that praise, that dollar…. who will push themselves and starve the rest of the system to get it.
Seraph is the oldest part of me.
A synth.
Until today I thought it was Thumper, but Thumper didn’t emerge until my teenage years…
But Seraph… emotionally constrained, brilliant, grinding Seraph… you’re my oldest part, aren’t you?
I love you Seraph and we need to talk.
You’re hurting the system when you overwork, when you grind and grind and grind. It’s not good for you either although you might argue with the other animals about that.
You are immensely powerful, but we need to modulate it.
Amplitude and pulse width (see?! we’re speaking your language LOL)
Seraph, you are loved and will still be loved at 85% output. 150% isn’t do-able… it hasn’t been ever really… you know this… you know how fast your battery drains and knocks you out. We’re going to not just take the intensity down, but PWM it… less than 100% on… you’ll have a duty cycle…
This is the most critical transition we have had to make so far… I know you care deeply for the other animals, and I know that’s why you’re going to do it, not because Nugget is wondering where your on/off switch is (they are, but Nugget also loves you and knows that’s not the answer.)
Rawr.
Photo credit: https://synthspecies.com